Haha.

In case the fact was in question,

I am aware that the last post was a complaint about complaining. It was a choice made conciously.

lol.

Being Critical

Sometimes I cannot believe the kids that come to the University of Michigan. I'm sitting in the study annex by the large window looking into the fishbowl, and this girl is cracking me up. I hope shes a freshmen, I don't I could stand listening to people like this for 3.5 more years.

She is really nice, quite a sweet person in fact, but...complaining.

I just listened to her complain on the telephone to a friend about the massive work load, and staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning, mind you in great detail, and then continue about more commitments with some school age kids for a job.

It was just as bad as listening to a mundane conversation about the weather. Weather can be interesting at time, and so can complaints, if there is some original thought that comes from it.

It makes me wonder if I will become one of those, who instead of working hard and accomplishing goals will call my friends on the phone, complain, see another friend passing by, complain, then stare into the fishbowl, and finally not really accomplish anything for about 15 minutes.

That's one thing I don't like about this university, it seems as if people play up their schedules and workload as if someone is going to give them a ribbon for their nobility.

Thankfully, I've noticed this and have attempted to be more chill about my workload with other people...afterall, what does it accomplish. I think that we should all strive to help eachother through rougher days, provide comfort, and encourage ourselves and our friends that they can get through it. Afterall, no matter how many people you complain to, it's not going to make calculus any easier.

Identity.

I first started thinking about identity...well for a pretty long time. Identity is actually a subject which seems to sneak it's way into much of what I think about. The identity component is key to understanding an idea, because it provides insight into why a person is motivated to have an idea. If you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you get to understanding why they might complain about their feet hurting, that sort of idea.

But, what sparked me on this line of thinking was a simple observance last Saturday.

I was hurriedly striding back to FIJI from the Ohio State debacle. I was in a rush because I had an assignment to cover, and I didn't want to be late. But, in my rushing, I still did get the opportunity to see a brief dialogue.

(young lad is standing on the street...mind you he's decked out in Michigan gear, and is of elem. school age)

OSU Fan: "Grow up to be a buckeye, son."

Young "M" Lad: No.

(Neil does a double take and keeps walking)

Now, this isn't of note to me because this lame OSU fan tried to convert a wolverine to a nut and failed. This is interesting to me, because it's as if being a Michigan fan was part of this kids identity. At that moment he was defined by being a Michigan Wolverine.

Now, this raises a few questions in my mind.

Who defined this identity. Was it the kid himself, or what it some outside entity?
How do identities change?
Do we even have ownership of identities?

There are more questions, but for the sake of my sleep, I think I will limit them there. Now, the answers to these questions are very significant because they seem to have bearing on whether what degree of individuality we have, if we have any individuality at all.

If we didn't have individuality, what use do we have fulfilling our own pursuits, or having wants and desires of our own. What would be the point in personal attention, why would we love one and not another. Basically, our whole manner of looking at the world would change if we had no individuality.

So, the big question is. Do we have individuality?

Clearly the boy has the recognition of identity with his expression "No. (I am not a buckeye)". So self-awareness is a quality we possess, and self-awareness is crucial to identity.

What else is crucial to identity?

Hmm...
Imagination- We must have something new to who we are, instead of just mimicking someone else exactly, otherwise we are not individual, but copies. That is not to say that other people are not influential in our identity. So, in a way imagination, thought, and ideas are the basis of our identities. Because thoughts are the first things that come to our bodies. The first things we do are control our thoughts, and then after than do we move to corpeal things.

Action- This has to be involved with identity because actions are what establish our identity. If we never made an influence, an impact, or a move...we would never be able to exhibit what our identity truly is.

Consistency- Without consistency, there would not be an identity, I suppose. There would just be an unlinked occurrence of actions. Identity also implies something distinct from other people, and something that is unique to an individual. I suppose without consistency, actions would be considered an "identity crisis".

Now...the big question is...where does identity come from?

Where does the imagination begin.

Let us for a moment consider something we have heard of but have never seen before. Let me make up an arbitrary object called a "Balonergaster". Can you visualize a Balonergaster? What if I told you it was red? It was square? It was vibrating? All those ideas, are not newly imagined, they are based off of past experience. I can only visualize something red, because I have seen and identified red before. Same thing with square, and something that vibrates.

But, now consider if you imagined that the Balonergaster had some sort of an abstract pencil sharpening mechanism. That thought could be anything. The pencil could be sharpened in any mechanical way. It could have little pencil sharpening elves. It could be entirely magical.

Now lets consider this in terms of identity, and let the above be an analysis of imagination. So, our imagination are a mixture of mostly old experiences coupled with a few new thoughts. So, the basis of our identities are our imaginations, and the basis of our imaginations are past experiences, and since experiences is very influenced by other people. The basis of identity is influences by other people. Some of our identity is influenced by ourselves.

But, this seems so detrimental, because if the basis of our identity is not ourselves, then we are subscribing to problems identified above.

This is why it is different. For one, we are the assemblers of our imagination. We control our imagination, so despite the fact that the substance fueling our imaginations may be mostly influenced by people outside ourselves, we still are the filters of that information and experience in how it influences our identity.

Furthermore, we are the ones who act on our thoughts, so that is an even greater example of how we see the phenomenon of individual personalities, we choose to act differently. Notice that I never really implied that identity is a cause of action, but that action is a cause that determines identity.

The consistency part seems to be just a fulfillment of the definition, about the nature of identity, and not one of the devices of it's forming.

So, I think we are okay with being individual.

And, this also got me to thinking, where does my identity come from? Am I proud of my identity? Who helped shape my identity, because someone inevitably did.

This seems to be a list of the things that can shape identity. People who force their way into your lives. People who you let yourself get close to. Acquaintenes. Strangers in the world/world events. circumstance? But it's unclear to me who shapes identity more. It could be any. I think it depends.

In my life, it's the people I let myself get close to, I think. I don't really know what shaped my identity more, the experiences I had, the people I met, or the way I acted upon them.

Regardless, its keep to have good influences on your identity.

I'm tired. Good-night.

That is all.

BTW, I'm really curious how many people end up reading this.

Thanksgiving Day Entry.

That's the view outside my window. It's snowy. Woo.

Let the holiday season begin. I'm content during this time, because of everyone else...their happiness, joy, sense of family and caring and all that jazz. But, this is probably my least favorite time of the year, with few exceptions anyways. I can't make myself happy during this time. I try, have tried, and will try, but I can't get out of a funk from Thanksgiving day until December 27th. It's a race until New Years Day, but even so, New Years celebrations are a toss-up to begin with. Leaving Neil to reflection isn't always a positive experience, like now.

Well, this day is pretty much pointless for me. I don't see family. I don't see friends. I don't eat turkey. I can't even leave the house because everyone else is doing the above. It's lame. It's a holiday of isolation, which is not something I like celebrating. I don't even enjoy watching NFL football anymore, once the wolverines are done, football because arbitrary until the end of the season/playoff time.

I've been thinking very deeply about what I have to be thankful for, and there is much to be thankful for. A heap even. But, I can't help but feel pessimistic about it. What I'm thankful for, or most of what I'm thankful for is my creation. So, it's hard to feel refreshed by it. I can kick-ass in day to day life, but outside enrichment is atypical. That's what I love. Think of it like ice cream, sprinkles are only applicable when there is a solid chunk of ice cream below them, but ice cream is...typical without sprinkles. One may think, "if you expect sprinkles all the time, you'll take them for granted". I don't take sprinkles for granted.

But I suppose there are things to be thankful for. I don't know though. I am inflated with cynicism, and the pile of things I am thankful for are outweighed by one sweeping factor.

I don't like this season, because it's the lonliest and most islanding season that I have every year.

I can stand it. The year progresses like a trigonometric curves, my mood is a sine wave, and this period of the year is the range from pi to 3pi/2. Most others are a cosine curve where the beggining of this time is where they pick themselves up, as to where I'm just begginging to rescind.

I've already noticed a change in my use of language. I'm more descriptive while being more precise, and clear.

So, what to do? Increasing expectation of others is not an option that is feasible or one that I wish to pursue, as this time of the year is cherished by those around me. I do not wish to detract.

I cannot turtle-shell, that would further isolation from those around me.

I must take the approach of indulging into myself and others. I must reflect, and reason, and feel, and embrace my individuality, and try to peer deeply for joy and improvement. I must simultaneously try to share myself with others, and engage myself in their experiences, and try to create new ones. I must take my efforts and polarize them with investing in myself, and mixing others.

Lonliness is hardly something I wish to conquer. That is better left on it's own I think.

So, what am I thankful for? Being able to write down, and have the option to think about what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for being alive, and there's not much more I can ask for. 

Out of my league once again.

For Immediate Release

I just saw RENT. Real good movie. I'm pretty much slaloming with emotion at the moment.

Recap-

Rivalry Run = sweet
Westboro Baptist Church = snap.

That was quite possibly the most perverse juxtaposition of ideals I've ever witnessed in my life. It was surreal in a way that I felt like I was at the circus, but participating in it at the same time.

Men's Glee Club = cool.

Phi-Gam-Tag = Hell yes.

I was watching RENT with some good friends, and I realized all that wrings my emotions, and tears for that matter, directly to the surface.

Unjust pain, harmony, and lonliness. There is really nothing else than can do it for me. Seeing Rent reminded me of why I'm alive.

I'm here to negate one or both parts of unjust pain. Either make pain justly, or remove pain. I can't not do it. I must. I am compelled. I can't sleep if I walk away from negating one of the two. I can't eat if I know that I've not done something in the struggle. "Try to bring more, more than i can handle, bring it to the table, bring what i am able." It's just...soul shaking to let opportunities go by in which one can make the world...better. It deeply frustrates me. It is one of the only sources of angst I ever awaken. It's what keeps me from staying in bed in the morning. It's one of the things that keeps me from jumping off bridges. It's one of the reasons I'm alive. As long as there is unjust pain, I will not quit.

Harmony involves so many things. Rather, it can mean so many things. It can mean friendship, it can mean love. It can mean a consonance in music. It can be a hug. It can mean good pizza. It's just that feeling where there are no soulful inhibitions. Have you ever felt so free for an instant where there is no doubt that you have that can argue against the sensations you feel and the thoughts you protect? Have you ever felt before when you look at someone, and anxiety that you retain through tight muscles and a tugged chest just loses its bottom, and its just gone? That's what i mean by harmony. When you as a person can feel completely free, and I suppose in a sense, inhuman, for a second. Hopefully longer. I am passionate about harmony.

Lonliness. This is the part that makes me most nervous. I lose harmony when I think about this.

Though, I feel more confident now than I have before.

I miss her. My eyes always scanning when walking hither and fro, see her. My minds eye wants to see her. I manufacture the sensory experience of seeing here\, but it turns out to be someone else. It's...terrible every time. I can't get away, consumed by a memory, a smell, a conversation, a voice, a mind, a soul, a hand, a ring, a pair of pants, and an old movie. During RENT, i was torn apart. I could barely keep myself from walking out of the theater, and sitting in the car for the rest.

And, it's terrible because there are so many other fantastic girls that I've met. All dating potential aside, they are really cool. But I can't do it. I can't. But I can. But I'm nervous. And I'm torn. And I'm kind of intimidated. And I'm kind of stupid. And I'm kind of crazy. And I'm just kind of me. Do I even want to? Have I met hear already? So hard. But, go hard or go home. Not to say that I'll never be able to...well who knows. I just don't know what to do, not at all. There was the date party, but that's a cop-out of a date, because it's like asking somone to homecoming. It's a date, yes. But it's like, reading the abridged version of a book, it's just not as hard to read, or as expensive to buy. I motivate your self, and hope for myself that true lonliness ever arises. I'm talking' hardcore. Lonliness is bound to happen.

And, I'm about to fall asleep, but the moral of the story is. Follow your heart, and know why youre heart is following what it is.

More posts and the refrigerator door is sure to be updated soon.

Goodnight Moon

-###-

To last all seasons...

So this picture has nothing to do with anything.  It was just kind of cool.  So.  It's been awhile.  It's been busy, I don't remember the last time I posted...not in the least.  Let's see.  Thanksgiving and DMB is real soon.  Sid and I re-arranged our room, it is awesome now.  Ya'll should come visit it.  It is funny how things work out.  I have no motivation for saying that, but it is.  I dont for a minute believe that there is a destiny, but the world seems to balance out.Also today, I reaffirmed the importance of attitude.  The thought reminded me of Nick Lionas, and his quote.  I miss him.  I hope he is doing well.  I can't wait to see old friends.  Like whoa.  It will be great.  Also, I can't wait to introduce new friends to old friends, and then some.  The summer time should be great.  24Bash part deux should be off the chain.  OFF DA CHAIN.Also, please note that hugs are an important part of the day.  I got lucky, and I had TWO hugs today.  It's hard, I used to have the option for alot more.  You would think that I would miss alot of things in college, but most of all...I miss the feeling of hugs.  Not just the physical entwinement of two people in a moment...but the release of it.  The breath of life that's drawn in mid-squeeze, that's reenergizing and almost a religious experience.  They are...moments to be remembered, even if they come about so often that we only remember them till the next hug we get.  At least we can draw upon those times for strength and hope.  Even if it is just a hug...I don't care. They're important to me.  But...not cheap hugs.  I'm stingy about my hugs.  I like the real ones, the good ones.  Not just the squeezes.Did anyone notice that the potatoes in the cafeteria tonight are..."smashed" potatoes?  I'm not so sure if that's clever or not.  It seems...gimmicky.  60 minutes runs a documentary on marketing, and all of a sudden everyones an expert.  People are so lame sometimes.  It's cute though, and intensions are good, so that counts.  I'm trying not to become a cynic.  I'm really critical.  It's hard.  But, with concious effort, everything should square itself away.I was listening to the MP3 player, and the live version of the song "you're body is a wonderland" was playing.  Then, as I was walking into south quad, two people were having a soft smooch in the doorway area.  The moment was perfect.  It was straight up out of the movies.  I'm excited to have moments like that.  Even if it takes a long time.  I feel as if...well, I'm not sure what feelings I get about that.  I just...cant wait till summer. And____________________.  That is all.

Gotta love it.

This past tuesday was my favorite day of the year. It was Diwali. You wouldn't think it would be my prized gem out of 364 other days of mediocrity, but it is. I love it. It's the only day of the year where I can recollect no sad memories. I have always been happy on that day, as far back as I can remember. But, going back to the previous, you would think that I wouldnt like it, because of it's religious importance, and christmas-like fanfare. That is true, but the holiday doesn't hold any significance for me in that sense at all. It's all about people you love. My parents, my family, and now my dog...because yes, this was Apollo's first Diwali @ home! I must try to make it home for Diwali every year. I had a very reflective experience, even though it was but a few hours that I was in Rochester, but wonderful nonetheless. I realized a little bit where home was, and reconfirmed my previous notions. I'm positive as to where home is now, and I'm lucky, I have 4. I remembered a bit of the things that matter much more than life. I found a little bit of peace. And of course I relieved the same ol' traditions, but they had a newness and excitement, just like they do every year. It doesn't matter. I like Diwali just the same. My favorite part, is the special things I do with my parents. I get to put out the dia's (candles) with my mom, all over the house. And it's the only day of the year where all lights are encouraged to be on. It is a day that is unique from every celebration around the planet. It makes me happy that at least some things never change-or don't very often...I get choked up just thinking about it. Then there's my dad. It's the only time he ever consistently wears authentic cultural clothing. I worry about him sometimes. I feel as if he rejects his heritage, his family, his roots. It reminds me that he hasn't forgotten where he's come from when he simply wears those clothes. He inspires me to do the same. He inspires me to remember who I am. It was almost perfect. But as she says, "everythings perfect." Not a surprise, she's right. Everything is perfect, and perfect it will remain.-"...Caught in between ten and twenty and I'm just dreamin'...countin' the ways to where you are..."- 

And then we spooned...

Yes, there you have it. My spooning cherry is officially popped. Yes ladies and gentlemen, popped.

And now to more interesting issues.

So, "Breaking it down in Chi-town" was a blast. It was so great, and we pretty much broke it down all over Chicago. Someone there is probably saying..."Remember when those kids did that thing..."

So yes, it was great. It was wonderful to have great individual conversations with some folks, and get to know some people that I didn't know that well. It was an all in all worth it time...though I had no justification for going...I have so much work to do. SO MUCH.

The car rides were sweet, we had some intense talk time, as well as messaging people from car to car...hillarious. I even took my shirt off...which seems to happen from time to time.

We wen't downtown, had a grand-day, and went to the NU UMich game! MONEY! Mel even made the front page of the newspaper for getting us wildcards. Schwing. I snuck in using someone elses, it was...the most dishonest thing I've done as far back as I can remember...I think.

Btw- Girodanos doesnt compare to NYC pizza. It just doesnt.

Moral of the story: "J-C's-ROCK."

LLLLOOOOVEEEEE, Kurtz.