Looking to 2012

As is usually the case over the winter holiday, I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting on 2011. It's going to be a really, really hard year in 2012. My habit change is simple - eliminate unnecessary cursing and the use of corporate jargon.

My real resolution will be a lot more difficult, though, learning to understand and express feelings. I spend lots of time thinking, but as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator would suggest, thinking is much different than feeling. I'm luckily that thinking comes easily to me - in fact, I'd say I spend about 90-92% of my waking hours thinking.

Feeling - though I dislike the connotation of the word, "feeling" because when men use the word, it's affiliated with weakness - is a much different venture and requires a different sort of muscle, so to speak. It's a muscle I've never really developed and have avoided developing (I've instead opted to think through such things...not really "feel" them).

Let's non-sequiter to an analysis this year (the thinking part):

Professional / Community Life - Good. Beast mode. But, less than perfect work-life balance.

Social Life - Great. Hard transition moving but meaningful relationships with friends old and new.

Family Life - Great. Two weddings. Rebirth of family relationships. My dad is no longer distraught over employment.

Physical Health - Okay, but on an upswing. Houston project was making me unhealthy, but no more of that malarki.

Intellectual Health - I always aspire for more maturity here, but, great gains.

Happiness level - fairly happy, aside from aforementioned work-life balance and some other job stuff.

Now, that leaves a few other areas:

Emotional Health - N/A. I don't really know, I kind of "just keep swimming" most of the time, so this doesn't apply.

Spiritual Health - N/A. This one isn't exactly my fault (I'm a spiritual orphan because of my oft conflicting identities).

Romantic Relationships - For the most part, N/A. Also, not really important to discuss here.

Those are, like, three really big areas to have N/As, no?

I've spent a lot of time focusing on the top categories and not very much time focusing on the bottom three. It's not even a question of "focusing" on them, either. I've kind of boxed those things out.

And, it's kind of scary because I have no idea how this will go. I don't know if I'll be a wreck, at times. I don't know if I'll be the same as I always am, expect a little less serious and a little more at peace. I don't know if I'll get really angry or become a wuss. And, as someone who always likes to be in control of mind and body, this is nearly terrifying.

And, as someone who can usually only express "feelings" by blogging, slam poetry, dance or singing in the shower - not expressing them to others or publicly - I'm worried that I'm getting in over my head.

Overall, I don't plan on becoming this broken-record-blubbering-fool, either. I think I'll keep with the intensity for the most part (my two speeds are "go" and "overdrive", I've discovered), but no longer recklessly.

I hope by the end of this I'll be a healthier person who can be a better friend, son, brother and colleague, and, eventually a better husband, father and citizen. This may be a really, really difficult experiment of a year, but it has to be done. I'm finally really for this challenge, and, I can't continue as-is any longer. Well, I can, but it's extremely taxing and to be honest, I don't want to.

Thank G-d that I don't have to do this alone.