B Series - Intro

Jeff recently purchased me a book from Amazon - which was written by their Pastor in New York.  It's called Emotionally Healthy Spiritually.  I've only begun to read it, but something is very clear (Jeff and Laura also mention this a lot) - that folks have to unpack their baggage to be emotionally healthy.

And, on this quest to find equilibrium I have to do the same.  And, I suppose this is where the blog comes in.  Unpacking all these things in my own head isn't the hard part (even though, it is hard to be real with oneself about stuff like this).  The hard part is sharing it with other people.  I can't do it.  Or, not yet.

So, here goes the B Series of posts.

Revisiting Timshel

Revisiting Timshel -


The echoes of Dr. MLK are reverberating in my head like crazy, right now.  There were speeches on NPR, quotes abound and a mess-load of tweets to that effect (myself included).  There's all the stuff about "dreams" and "injustice", but let me pass at those and defer to wiser men, but instead elaborate on a line of thinking more accessible to those in our generation.

There are many quotes, from many people in fact, that equate to this basic idea: there are two kinds of malfeasance in human affairs (and I mean malfeasance in the strongest sense) - 1) when bad men do great evil, and, 2) when good men see evil and are silent or do nothing.  Both are offensive, immoral and in some cases criminal.  The latter is also an embarassing travesty.

We know that when bad men do evil it's an atrocity.  There are many men who do this, but I think it only the sort of affairs for impotent men who must consciously be wicked to make any gains or profits.  Let's set this aside, we all know that it's wrong.

Now, there are two options for good men - do something or not do something to conquer evin.  Similar to the aforementioned scenario, let's set aside the decision for good men to do nothing.  It's just as immoral as doing evil, except more regrettable for the agent.

But, take the more textured case of good men doing SOMETHING.  There are at least two manners in which good men can do something, depending on whether they are opportunist or if they are sincere.

The opportunist seizes power to act, and probably accomplishes some good.  In fact, they may accomplish the most good as far as outcomes go.  The way they accomplish those ends, however may not justify the means.  They may exploit some to benefit others.  They may be arrogant or greedy.  They may seize power because they can, not because they have earned it or have pure intentions.  Good men often have power, but still abuse it.

The other route is that of humility and sincerity, which is ultimately the route that few men (seem to) choose.  It is a hard one. Nice guys, after all, finish last.  But, this route is ultimately the route we must take or at least try to take - for the sake of our friends, families, country men and fellow world citizens. To truly serve humanity, one must not pursue power, the world's recognition nor the applause of men.  One must instead put the cause and others ahead of themselves - they must strive to have their conscience untroubled by remorse for past action or regret for missing opportunity to help others.  They must be pure of heart.  If they do not, the data and logic suggest that they will become wicked.

For those that we trust with our lives, with our families and the ability influence us, I pray that they have taken the noble path, even though they are powerful enough to amass fortunes and power for themselves, their families and their entourages.  Because if they have not, we are surely endowed with a future of imperfection - and to lift an idea from the story of Adam and Eve - a future of original sin.

On this topic, I have been reflecting much on a concept from one of my all-time favorite books - East of Eden.  There is a concept that is at the crux of the narrative - timshel.  It's the idea that we're not compelled nor guaranteed to conquer sin - we "MAYest" conquer sin.  We have the ability to, it's our choice.

We have to, if we do not, I do not see any other outcome but the perpetuation of suffering and triumphing over good.  That's not something my mind, body and soul will tolerate.

I try to take the "virtuous path" so to speak, but it's incredibly difficult.  There are weak minded people that you can either dupe, mystify or coerce into doing what you want...really easily.  This goes for everything from phishing them out of $5000 or taking advantage of them at a bar and bedding them.  The moral choices we make on a daily basis could fill an infinite scroll every day.  We have many opportunities to practice timshel.

There are days when I want to throw this virtuous path to the birds.  But I cannot, and if you are considering it, you cannot either.  I (and I'm sure you have as well) have made a commitment, promise or oath to uphold what's right and reject what is not - no matter how tempting.  I need your help to succeed and I will also provide it, we must all be eachother's keepers in this effort.

Many great men have failed in this effort, but we must not.  If one of us collapses others also will.  And, if we get to a certain threshold or collapsing principle, I really believe that humanity will be doomed.

So to summarize MLKs echoes from the day - it's not good enough to just do "something" or "speak", one must also do what's right.

This is all really preachy and somewhat narcissistic, I know.  I really feel strongly about this though.  I think the world really does hang in the balance when it comes to good people choosing to do what's right or not do what's right.

Alas, I am hopeful.  Because there are many good men in the world.  It is our choice whether we will try to be pure of heart, mind and soul and choose that path.

Peace.

-Tambe

Remembering Nakul

On days like these I think about Nakul. Although I suppose that's every day.  I still don't understand the gravity of his death nor feel absolved of it.  It still hurts, though I suppose we all have found some peace with it.  At the same time, I'm proud because his life saved many more.

And I suppose I'm lucky, even though it's perhaps the most guilt one could feel, that his death has taught me what life is all about - family, community, service, integrity, grace/faith*.  All of the things that are bigger than us, individually.

I miss you, brother.

---
* - Added at 5:09pm EST.  Duh.  Still learning to think about and express spirituality and what it means to me.

Cross Post - Have you read too many books to believe what you're told?

Argue with me about the liberal arts on the Umich Dean's Alumni Council Blog: http://lsarecentgrad.wordpress.com/2012/01/12/ive-read-too-many-books-to-believe-what-im-told/

-Neil

Beast mode

People say you have to compromise who you are to get what you want. I refuse to believe that.

I think you can do the right thing AND get what you want AND be happy AND have deep, deep relationships AND make a difference in the world AND have fun along the way.

I'm back on the warpath to prove it.

Peace.

How could you falter when you're the rock of Gibraltar
I had to get of the boat so I could walk on water
This ain't no tall order, this is nothin to me
Difficult takes a day, impossible takes a week
I do this in my sleep,
I sold Kilos of coke, (so?) I'm guessin' I can sell CD's
I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man
Let me handle my buisness, damn! - Jay Z in Diamonds of Sierra Leone

Truth and Honesty

I'm constantly reminded by how important honesty is - and as my neighbor Megan reminded over dinner on Sunday evening - full, complete honesty. It's the bedrock of any relationship because it's a necessary (and first condition) of truth. The truth is worth fighting for. So are relationships that are based on honesty, because they're honestly so rare. SO rare.

And, it's a precious love when each person in the pair has the ability, desire and intimacy to reveal the truth in all it's beauty and ugly. It's the stuff that dreams are made of.

Some would say that it, the truth that is, is the only thing in the world that never dies. If that's the case, God is in the truth. And that's a big deal.

Jay-Z is also correct, in his own way, which is pretty eloquently summarized: "real recognize real, rahh".

On faith, quickly.

I haven't been thinking about faith, and the mysteries of the universe for very long. At least in a way that's deliberate. But, there's been one thing that I've been thinking about, with regard to faith that I've learned.

That it's tested. And that it's hard and painful to believe in what's true sometimes.

Make that two things.

Looking to 2012

As is usually the case over the winter holiday, I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting on 2011. It's going to be a really, really hard year in 2012. My habit change is simple - eliminate unnecessary cursing and the use of corporate jargon.

My real resolution will be a lot more difficult, though, learning to understand and express feelings. I spend lots of time thinking, but as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator would suggest, thinking is much different than feeling. I'm luckily that thinking comes easily to me - in fact, I'd say I spend about 90-92% of my waking hours thinking.

Feeling - though I dislike the connotation of the word, "feeling" because when men use the word, it's affiliated with weakness - is a much different venture and requires a different sort of muscle, so to speak. It's a muscle I've never really developed and have avoided developing (I've instead opted to think through such things...not really "feel" them).

Let's non-sequiter to an analysis this year (the thinking part):

Professional / Community Life - Good. Beast mode. But, less than perfect work-life balance.

Social Life - Great. Hard transition moving but meaningful relationships with friends old and new.

Family Life - Great. Two weddings. Rebirth of family relationships. My dad is no longer distraught over employment.

Physical Health - Okay, but on an upswing. Houston project was making me unhealthy, but no more of that malarki.

Intellectual Health - I always aspire for more maturity here, but, great gains.

Happiness level - fairly happy, aside from aforementioned work-life balance and some other job stuff.

Now, that leaves a few other areas:

Emotional Health - N/A. I don't really know, I kind of "just keep swimming" most of the time, so this doesn't apply.

Spiritual Health - N/A. This one isn't exactly my fault (I'm a spiritual orphan because of my oft conflicting identities).

Romantic Relationships - For the most part, N/A. Also, not really important to discuss here.

Those are, like, three really big areas to have N/As, no?

I've spent a lot of time focusing on the top categories and not very much time focusing on the bottom three. It's not even a question of "focusing" on them, either. I've kind of boxed those things out.

And, it's kind of scary because I have no idea how this will go. I don't know if I'll be a wreck, at times. I don't know if I'll be the same as I always am, expect a little less serious and a little more at peace. I don't know if I'll get really angry or become a wuss. And, as someone who always likes to be in control of mind and body, this is nearly terrifying.

And, as someone who can usually only express "feelings" by blogging, slam poetry, dance or singing in the shower - not expressing them to others or publicly - I'm worried that I'm getting in over my head.

Overall, I don't plan on becoming this broken-record-blubbering-fool, either. I think I'll keep with the intensity for the most part (my two speeds are "go" and "overdrive", I've discovered), but no longer recklessly.

I hope by the end of this I'll be a healthier person who can be a better friend, son, brother and colleague, and, eventually a better husband, father and citizen. This may be a really, really difficult experiment of a year, but it has to be done. I'm finally really for this challenge, and, I can't continue as-is any longer. Well, I can, but it's extremely taxing and to be honest, I don't want to.

Thank G-d that I don't have to do this alone.