The Spot

I found one.

A spot. You know, one of those places where you feel like you belong? I asked the Laine-ster last week where her spot was. Neither of us really had one here, but today I found one.

I was purusing around the campus this afternoon. I came across a pretty incredible place. It's one of those places that's buried and probably not very many people ever find it.

Clements library. You should go there. It's on S. University across from the Law Quad, right next to the president's house. I stumbled into this place because a campus day tour was outside, and I had some time to waste so I decided to go inside this infamous building that, I seem to have never heard of outside of my own campus day tour.

I was greeted by a man, middle aged, wearing a sweater and adorning spectacles. He wasn't old, he was experienced I suppose you could say. I asked him what this place was. He proceeded to tell me.

This place is one of the best collections of primary source documents of American History in the world- third best he said. They have ridiculous documents inside. A delegate's draft with notes, from the constitutional convention. All the maps of America from the 1820's and back (with the exception of five, don't worry they have pictures of the missing ones), and more rare books you could probably imagine.

This place was like walking into the best American History textbook you could ever imagine.

This Clements guy was pretty cool too. He was an alum of the 'U', graduating in the 1880's. Engineering guy. He made a ton of money in Bay City making steam shovels and cranes that they used on the Panama Canal and the New York skyline and such. He seems to have had an affininty for primary source documents, and he cut a deal with the University to house his collection.

This guy who was a mutual friend with Clements and Henry Ford- the guy was an architect or something- built this library, and apparently it's one of the best examples of Italian Rennisance Architecture in the nation. So there's all these books there.

If you like history at all, you should go. It's quaint and calm. It's peaceful, and it invigorates this emotion that makes you feel connected to the past. It's unlike any library I've ever been in. I sat down and talked with this guy for a good half hour.

Go there.

But anyway, this wasn't my spot.
I found one in the law quad. In a tree.
I like the law quad, it makes me feel like i'm excellent. I think it's good to go places like that, because it inspires you to get there.
The people passing through were really nice. One guy asked me how I found myself up there. I told him that I saw a quarter in the tree, and I figured that I should probably go get it.
He liked my answer. He had a really welcoming smile. It's like he approved that I was there. Which was nice, because the Law Quad isn't exactly my stomping ground.

I have never climbed a tree. Before today I mean. It was worth it. I thought of Michael Steen. He's always encouraged me to climb trees. I'll have to show it to him the next time he's here.

I hope I have a place of my own someday. A place that I can make. A place that I can establish, like it was insignificant before I was there. I think about that place. Every. Single. Day.

I get really lonely thinking about it. Cause places like that, I feel like you need help getting there. Actually not, you probably could get there by yourself. But, why would you ever want to stake out a place by yourself? I wouldn't. That'd be absurd.

I miss home. But lately I've been trying to figure out exactly where home is. I think I know where it is, but i'm not so sure that I want to tell anyone. It's a secret.

Shhhhhhh.

Dance Marathon is this weekend.

I wish you a life that is unriddled by such things that you do not wish for.
Time to eat. Good afternoon.

I love you.

Cupid's Pregame

[22:26] Neil Tambe: Bursley is speed dating tomorrow. :(
[22:26] Suneal Rao: why sad face?
[22:35] Neil Tambe: i
[22:35] Neil Tambe: I'm not a fan of the speed dating thing
[22:35] Neil Tambe: i would never do it
[22:35] Neil Tambe: (I hope)
[22:36] Suneal Rao: i see
[22:36] Suneal Rao: so u don't want them to do it
[22:36] Neil Tambe: If it hooks people up with a sweetie, I'm all for it
[22:36] Neil Tambe: but...
[22:36] Neil Tambe: where has chivalry gone?
[22:36] Suneal Rao: it's there
[22:36] Suneal Rao: buried beneath OC and other get horny quick schemes
[22:36] Neil Tambe: in a speed dating session?
[22:37] Neil Tambe: hahahaha

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This was an excerpt with the always quotable Suneal. You are currently writing off-site at home in Rochester, Michigan.


Chivalry. I don't see too much of it anymore, with the exception of Suneal, Matt Koletsky, Kyle "Tex" Landry, FIJI-2, and a few other FIJIS, and a few other guys too. But really. I really am quite dissapointed in college social culture. Or, college party culture. It's so unreal to me. I was talking to Mimi before PSIP about how Freshman girls in the greek system often times feel like they have to do sexual things with older guys, it wasn't even the topic of conversation that they often do, or want to, but that they feel they have to.
Terrible. Not because in my ideal world love rules and sex is the eventual outcome of intimate relationships, but something about that just seems wrong. I hope it stops. Even more, I hope I don't become that. I don't think I will. I'd hate myself if I did. It's definitelly tempting though. Our lives as young adults are filled with stress, toil, breath-taking moments, passionate rage, and raging passion. The escapes of our culture numb it down for awhile. It's hard being in reality for really long periods of time. Shit is hard. All the stuff, ranging from Yoga to Flipcup level stuff out for awhile. So tempting.
But really, is chivalry all that sacrificeable?

Good luck to all those seeking/serenading sweeties for Valentines Day. 4 days, sweeeeeet.

Where's infinity? When's infinity?

I don't know how I get through days sometimes. Today wasn't a day that was particularly bad, it was actually pretty good. But I don't how I can string days together. Despite what people say about my attitude, it's not all that positive, at least on a macrolevel. I wouldn't be surprised if I was killed before I hit 40. I'm not going to die then (I keep my health too well), but a murder wouldn't surprise me. See that's what I mean, even fostering thoughts as morbid as that is bad news.

I just keep going. Pressing on, as Calvin Coolidge used to say. But I swear, pressing on isnt enough. I'm half as satisfied as I want to be. Life is becoming so hard. It is for all of us, and I can handle my affairs pretty well, but I don't want to just do pretty well. I want to do well. I don't want to be satisfied. I want to be happy.

The top of my life to-do list says: "Family. Enough said."

I don't see myself getting any closer to it. I'm whirling around like a milkshake in a blender, and not getting any closer. I often feel, physically, my chest consumed with emotion and energy...but it is never released. I can barely stand it.

I can barely stand listening to music a lot. I scroll through my MP3 player like a fiend. I'm never satisfied with what I'm listening to. There are so many songs I like, love. But I just can't bring myself to feel like listening to them.

Dear Love,
I'm writing this to you in anticipation. I miss you already, and you havent even revealed your name yet. (Look above, I can only call you "love".) You are the equivalent of sunshine, but are shrouded in shadow. Where are you. I don't ask a question, I'm trying in vain to command an answer. Why are you only a thought when I look out the window of the city bus at night by myself sitting amongst the other lonely passengers? Where are you sleeping when I look the short distance across my plaid pillowcase, expecting to see a face but only seeing a pillow?
I don't know why you don't want to be here. I'm not even saying you should come all this way by yourself, I'll send you a bus-fare. I'll send you a plane ticket. I'll come. Just stay with me. Or stay with me...someday. I'm not trying to get you to give up all your hopes and dreams. I'm not trying to make you feel like shit, or be whipped. I just want to be the same as you. Teeter-totters don't work with one person. Come home, please. Even just come here, or I'll come there, and then we'll find home and go there.
You have to be out there reading this, somewhere. You have to be. I can't even consider the possibility that you aren't. I can't consider that life can sum-up like 1+0=1. It has to be 1+1=2. Dave Matthews even says "We'll climb on 2 by 2, to be sure these days continue...". He wouldn't lie. If you aren't somewhere, most of the important things I know would be untrue.
The truth is, I don't need you now, but I want you now. Someday though, I'll need you. I'll need you to at least be out there somewhere, so there's more reason to go on than just being successful. I'm trying to focus on being successful right now, so I don't have to worry about that when I finally find you, at which time I'll only want to worry about being happy.
So Love, once you get this, hold on to it. And use it to remind me if I forget how much I love you. Don't ever let me let you go. I'm an imperfect man. I make lots of mistakes. Lots of mistakes. And keep this so once I find you, I'll know it's you. Don't give on on me either. I don't run as fast as all men, if someone else gets to your doorstep, remember that I'm coming. Remember that I love you, and you're my Love.

With love and God's speed,
Your Love

Press on.

An update.

We're sweet. I can't wait to be sipping on my milkshake in a little while. The culmination of a period of my life. I've learned a lot I think.

We're watching Animal House right now. Some quality bonding time If I do say so myself.

I don't have very many words right now. All that I can say is that I've stumbled upon to something at this University.

And. I think I'm gonna like it. 

Family Business

I don’t just like this picture because it looks good. I took this picture when I was in India over X-mas break. I’m lucky because I have many many homes. With my parents, at the University, with special people, and with my family. With my family. I didn’t really understand this word before. I mean, I could be like Webster and give a definition of some sort. But, this word wasn’t one that I could have any kind of interaction with. It was just a word. Just like computer, bologna, or polyester.
I like this picture because it’s a family picture. But let me tell you a little story that I think is important to be telling. This is Anju Bhabi. Bhabi is a word referring to an older sister in law on the mother’s side of the family. In Indian culture different family members have equally different titles to be called. I’ve spent probably less than 12 hours hanging out with my Bhabi. The last time I saw her was three years ago. By all standards I should barely know her at all. She’s in our family by marriage. She should think that I’m just a distant (not only because of unfamiliarity but because of mileage) cousin. Her kids should think I’m their one uncle that they never see, and don’t know. I should just be another face to her. I should be less than a brother.

But, I’m not.

I like this picture because it’s happy, and by all typical standards, it’s a picture with someone I barely even know.

I really had a wonderful trip. I miss my family daily. I wish I could see them more than I do. For real. By the way, I went for my sister’s shaadi (wedding)

It was a soul-searching experience, my trip I mean. I thought really hard about very much. It was inevitable. About the future: marriage, majors, destiny, friendship, love, spirituality, humanity. It’s almost an overwhelming experience, which is part of the reason why I slept for 17 hours straight when I returned home.

The ironic part of this story is that I have far less answers to the questions that itch me then when I started. I have less direction than ever. I am terrified in a way. Or rather, I’m rather powerless, which is where the discomfort comes from.

I’m sitting at 707 Oxford in Ann Arbor, MI right now. At my fraternity house. I will be a brother soon. Probably at this time in two weeks.

-Brief note: Is it just me, or does the shuffle feature on music players just flow with how you’re feeling when you really need it to?-

Anyway. This will be my home next year. I was just reading through our petition for initiation. Three of my pledge brother’s fathers were FIJI’s. Adam reflects on how he would always play with his father’s fraternity ring. It was a monumental part of his childhood. I’m laying that down for my son(s) now, should I ever have sons or even children. It’s like I’m putting down a road to drive on with the loves of my life.

It doesn’t feel like it really, I think many of my peers, friends, and colleagues see this time at the University as some abyss of money and intellectual race that doesn’t have an end, a point, or a prize. It can’t be. This has to be more than that. My friends, will start getting married soon. I will be getting married soon. (I’m not sure what soon means, but I know it’s not terribly far away.) We will be in prime soon. We will be the future and past soon.

(Shuffle is awesome yet again: You’ll be in My Heart- Phil Collins)

I can’t believe life sometimes. It’s so breathtaking. So unreal.

The point is, life is scary. It’s terrifying. It should be impossible and irrational, just like how Bhabi and I shouldn’t seem like we love each other in that picture. We have people In our heart though. I have people in my heart though: Jessi, my parents, my family, my friends, my brothers. I have people in my life to whom I can call home.

Being home makes life not scary anymore. So, I think we’ve gotta make wherever we go home. Constantly. Home is where we’ve gotta be. Never settle until we’re home. Never settle until we’re home. I can’t. I’ve gotta find home. I’ve gotta keep going until I pull up into the drive way, and put the key in the door and open it. No matter what other people think or believe, I can take advice from people who settle, because they are part of what home is, but…I can’t let people stop me from getting there. I’m desperate to build a home, and go there.

I’ve been bubbling with a philosophy lately. Or rather, an articulation of how I feel about my own life.

I have and will have enough to be satisfied. I could just kind of coast in a few years, get a kush job and live a nice life. But, I’d rather fiercely fight to find peace. To find happiness. Satisfaction is alright for awhile, but I mean what is it really worth in the end. Is there any good reason to settle for satisfaction? Is there a reason other than “security”?

My response to this notion of “guaranteed security”…

Shove it. Bring on the challenges.

Press on. 

Haha.

In case the fact was in question,

I am aware that the last post was a complaint about complaining. It was a choice made conciously.

lol.

Being Critical

Sometimes I cannot believe the kids that come to the University of Michigan. I'm sitting in the study annex by the large window looking into the fishbowl, and this girl is cracking me up. I hope shes a freshmen, I don't I could stand listening to people like this for 3.5 more years.

She is really nice, quite a sweet person in fact, but...complaining.

I just listened to her complain on the telephone to a friend about the massive work load, and staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning, mind you in great detail, and then continue about more commitments with some school age kids for a job.

It was just as bad as listening to a mundane conversation about the weather. Weather can be interesting at time, and so can complaints, if there is some original thought that comes from it.

It makes me wonder if I will become one of those, who instead of working hard and accomplishing goals will call my friends on the phone, complain, see another friend passing by, complain, then stare into the fishbowl, and finally not really accomplish anything for about 15 minutes.

That's one thing I don't like about this university, it seems as if people play up their schedules and workload as if someone is going to give them a ribbon for their nobility.

Thankfully, I've noticed this and have attempted to be more chill about my workload with other people...afterall, what does it accomplish. I think that we should all strive to help eachother through rougher days, provide comfort, and encourage ourselves and our friends that they can get through it. Afterall, no matter how many people you complain to, it's not going to make calculus any easier.

Identity.

I first started thinking about identity...well for a pretty long time. Identity is actually a subject which seems to sneak it's way into much of what I think about. The identity component is key to understanding an idea, because it provides insight into why a person is motivated to have an idea. If you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you get to understanding why they might complain about their feet hurting, that sort of idea.

But, what sparked me on this line of thinking was a simple observance last Saturday.

I was hurriedly striding back to FIJI from the Ohio State debacle. I was in a rush because I had an assignment to cover, and I didn't want to be late. But, in my rushing, I still did get the opportunity to see a brief dialogue.

(young lad is standing on the street...mind you he's decked out in Michigan gear, and is of elem. school age)

OSU Fan: "Grow up to be a buckeye, son."

Young "M" Lad: No.

(Neil does a double take and keeps walking)

Now, this isn't of note to me because this lame OSU fan tried to convert a wolverine to a nut and failed. This is interesting to me, because it's as if being a Michigan fan was part of this kids identity. At that moment he was defined by being a Michigan Wolverine.

Now, this raises a few questions in my mind.

Who defined this identity. Was it the kid himself, or what it some outside entity?
How do identities change?
Do we even have ownership of identities?

There are more questions, but for the sake of my sleep, I think I will limit them there. Now, the answers to these questions are very significant because they seem to have bearing on whether what degree of individuality we have, if we have any individuality at all.

If we didn't have individuality, what use do we have fulfilling our own pursuits, or having wants and desires of our own. What would be the point in personal attention, why would we love one and not another. Basically, our whole manner of looking at the world would change if we had no individuality.

So, the big question is. Do we have individuality?

Clearly the boy has the recognition of identity with his expression "No. (I am not a buckeye)". So self-awareness is a quality we possess, and self-awareness is crucial to identity.

What else is crucial to identity?

Hmm...
Imagination- We must have something new to who we are, instead of just mimicking someone else exactly, otherwise we are not individual, but copies. That is not to say that other people are not influential in our identity. So, in a way imagination, thought, and ideas are the basis of our identities. Because thoughts are the first things that come to our bodies. The first things we do are control our thoughts, and then after than do we move to corpeal things.

Action- This has to be involved with identity because actions are what establish our identity. If we never made an influence, an impact, or a move...we would never be able to exhibit what our identity truly is.

Consistency- Without consistency, there would not be an identity, I suppose. There would just be an unlinked occurrence of actions. Identity also implies something distinct from other people, and something that is unique to an individual. I suppose without consistency, actions would be considered an "identity crisis".

Now...the big question is...where does identity come from?

Where does the imagination begin.

Let us for a moment consider something we have heard of but have never seen before. Let me make up an arbitrary object called a "Balonergaster". Can you visualize a Balonergaster? What if I told you it was red? It was square? It was vibrating? All those ideas, are not newly imagined, they are based off of past experience. I can only visualize something red, because I have seen and identified red before. Same thing with square, and something that vibrates.

But, now consider if you imagined that the Balonergaster had some sort of an abstract pencil sharpening mechanism. That thought could be anything. The pencil could be sharpened in any mechanical way. It could have little pencil sharpening elves. It could be entirely magical.

Now lets consider this in terms of identity, and let the above be an analysis of imagination. So, our imagination are a mixture of mostly old experiences coupled with a few new thoughts. So, the basis of our identities are our imaginations, and the basis of our imaginations are past experiences, and since experiences is very influenced by other people. The basis of identity is influences by other people. Some of our identity is influenced by ourselves.

But, this seems so detrimental, because if the basis of our identity is not ourselves, then we are subscribing to problems identified above.

This is why it is different. For one, we are the assemblers of our imagination. We control our imagination, so despite the fact that the substance fueling our imaginations may be mostly influenced by people outside ourselves, we still are the filters of that information and experience in how it influences our identity.

Furthermore, we are the ones who act on our thoughts, so that is an even greater example of how we see the phenomenon of individual personalities, we choose to act differently. Notice that I never really implied that identity is a cause of action, but that action is a cause that determines identity.

The consistency part seems to be just a fulfillment of the definition, about the nature of identity, and not one of the devices of it's forming.

So, I think we are okay with being individual.

And, this also got me to thinking, where does my identity come from? Am I proud of my identity? Who helped shape my identity, because someone inevitably did.

This seems to be a list of the things that can shape identity. People who force their way into your lives. People who you let yourself get close to. Acquaintenes. Strangers in the world/world events. circumstance? But it's unclear to me who shapes identity more. It could be any. I think it depends.

In my life, it's the people I let myself get close to, I think. I don't really know what shaped my identity more, the experiences I had, the people I met, or the way I acted upon them.

Regardless, its keep to have good influences on your identity.

I'm tired. Good-night.

That is all.

BTW, I'm really curious how many people end up reading this.

Thanksgiving Day Entry.

That's the view outside my window. It's snowy. Woo.

Let the holiday season begin. I'm content during this time, because of everyone else...their happiness, joy, sense of family and caring and all that jazz. But, this is probably my least favorite time of the year, with few exceptions anyways. I can't make myself happy during this time. I try, have tried, and will try, but I can't get out of a funk from Thanksgiving day until December 27th. It's a race until New Years Day, but even so, New Years celebrations are a toss-up to begin with. Leaving Neil to reflection isn't always a positive experience, like now.

Well, this day is pretty much pointless for me. I don't see family. I don't see friends. I don't eat turkey. I can't even leave the house because everyone else is doing the above. It's lame. It's a holiday of isolation, which is not something I like celebrating. I don't even enjoy watching NFL football anymore, once the wolverines are done, football because arbitrary until the end of the season/playoff time.

I've been thinking very deeply about what I have to be thankful for, and there is much to be thankful for. A heap even. But, I can't help but feel pessimistic about it. What I'm thankful for, or most of what I'm thankful for is my creation. So, it's hard to feel refreshed by it. I can kick-ass in day to day life, but outside enrichment is atypical. That's what I love. Think of it like ice cream, sprinkles are only applicable when there is a solid chunk of ice cream below them, but ice cream is...typical without sprinkles. One may think, "if you expect sprinkles all the time, you'll take them for granted". I don't take sprinkles for granted.

But I suppose there are things to be thankful for. I don't know though. I am inflated with cynicism, and the pile of things I am thankful for are outweighed by one sweeping factor.

I don't like this season, because it's the lonliest and most islanding season that I have every year.

I can stand it. The year progresses like a trigonometric curves, my mood is a sine wave, and this period of the year is the range from pi to 3pi/2. Most others are a cosine curve where the beggining of this time is where they pick themselves up, as to where I'm just begginging to rescind.

I've already noticed a change in my use of language. I'm more descriptive while being more precise, and clear.

So, what to do? Increasing expectation of others is not an option that is feasible or one that I wish to pursue, as this time of the year is cherished by those around me. I do not wish to detract.

I cannot turtle-shell, that would further isolation from those around me.

I must take the approach of indulging into myself and others. I must reflect, and reason, and feel, and embrace my individuality, and try to peer deeply for joy and improvement. I must simultaneously try to share myself with others, and engage myself in their experiences, and try to create new ones. I must take my efforts and polarize them with investing in myself, and mixing others.

Lonliness is hardly something I wish to conquer. That is better left on it's own I think.

So, what am I thankful for? Being able to write down, and have the option to think about what I am thankful for. I'm thankful for being alive, and there's not much more I can ask for.