Listening to one's own heart

In many circumstances, I've found listening to be more important than speaking. For many reasons - you learn more, it's tremendously respectful and generally speaking others are more important than oneself. Listening to others is a rare gift, one that I try to practice (with different levels of success) everyday.

Let's put that sort of listening aside for now.

There's a different kind of listening that I've never really thought about before last week - listening to one's own heart. Just as important as listening to others, listening to one's own hear is just as imporant and it's harder I think. It requires a complete absence of mental noise and a quiet confidence to hear the "song that's being sung from within", so to speak. The only type of listening that seems to be harder, is listening for god.

But, why is this so important? I think it's something that's contrary to our nature as social beings. We try to contextualize and create meaning out of ideas, and we have desires. There are things that we want. And in our own hearts, our mind is easy to draw us into selfishness. I don't know exactly what I'm saying, but what I'm trying to get at is there are so many things in the world that stop us from listening to our hearts and so many people that want us to "hear" something else. And that's what makes it crucially important.

We have to listen to our hearts to know what we really feel and believe. I thought for a long time about the power of "thinking" and how anything can be figured out if you think about it hard enough. But, I think that's erring. Some things require a stronger beacon to guide decisions - something that accounts for feeling, spirituality and morality.

In all its nakedness, listening to ones own heart is irreplaceable, and, I think that it's probably the only way to make decisions that matter most.

But, how to hear it clearly? And, it's miserable to hear the song of one's own heart and not know how to or have the courage to follow it - that's an entirely different matter.

And also, I think it's so hard - I can hardly express feeling to anyone outside of writing it and reflecting on it in a blog, how can I possibly be in touch with my own heart to listen to it?

Home

With every day that passes, and every city I visit I only remember one place - home. Home of the past and the future. My heart aches for it more and more and more and more again. All I want to do is go there and stay there for the rest of my days.

Social Change and its nomenclature

I caught something on facebook the other day - someone being congratulatory about some friend's work which was exemplary "positive social change". Which is fine, social change is not something that's a bad thing, certainly.

But this whole enterprise of "social change" has to be better. The deployment of it, probably has a lot of room for improvement, I think. In fact, peering into the language of social change and how it's described is pretty indicative about some of its attributes I take issue with.

Here are two examples:

Let's first deconstruct the whole idea of "social change". When people talk about it, it's a pretty unfocused term. When people talk about wanting to be a part of social change they describe it as such. What the heck does this mean? What's the goal here? As it's concieved now, social change is this amorphous, non-descript idea where do-gooders seem to do what feels good or sounds good. Where's the specific mission statement or objective?

That being said, it doesn't have to be some very narrow mission and could be a very ambitious goal. But setting a goal in the first place of how social value will be delivered is prudent. There aren't enough resources to be fluffy about social change.

I also get it that "social change" people probably have goals and good intentions of hitting specific goals and targets with their work. That's great. But, kindly get serious enough about it to not be careless about communicating the change you hope to inflect.

Here's the second example

What's this focus on "change" as the operating word in the phrase. Why is "change" implied as a good thing? Admittedly, if we're not satisfied with the current-state of social affairs it stands to reason that some sort of change is necessary.

But, that's so reckless to talk about change. Change has no focus as a term. Change is something that you have to control. Change is a directionless word. To think about doing change seems like it would suggest that doing stuff, for the sake of doing stuff is advantageous, and conceptually sound.

But in my experience, change is really, really hard. It takes a ton of preparation and lots of investment. It takes a LOT of leadership / engagement and never happens for the sake of happening. So, don't focus on change - focus on a goal or outcome. Focus on a behavior. Not just change itself...focusing on change itself makes me think the social agent attempting to "change" things probably doesn't really know what they are talking about.

So to summarize - and this message goes to social change agents - get some plans together and set some goals. Kindly articulate the value you intend to create in the community. Don't hide behind the idea of "social change" and pretend like everyone should support the activities you're attempting because it sounds sweet. Think it through a little more.

A little harsh, I know. But really...we don't have community resources to waste that are not focused on something that really improves our communities.

Teachings from Buddhist Monks in Thailand

One of the most interesting things we did in Thailand was to attend a monk chat. During this chat we learned about what it is like to be a monk and about some of the fundamental tenants of Buddhism. That's a topic that I'll have to explore more, but one of the things I've been really riveting and reflecting on is some of the transformations I've undergone since I've graduated college - and lost some of my youthfulness.

It hasn't even been a transformation, it's been a bit of a transgression and I think it has spurned from wealth, my job and untamed ambition (and probably having drinks on the rooftops of skyscrapers in Asia). Let me explain.

I reached a point a few years ago where I was fully content with just doing good things and doing interesting things. I was less selfish, less entitled and I held pretty closely to principle. Now, though, I recognize that I've started to slip for the "righteous path", so to speak. I've become accustomed to creature comforts and I've started to devalue common things. I've begun to act - albeit slightly - that I'm entitled to something...which is a big leap something I believe in theory, that I'm not entitled to anything. I've begun to value the "nosebleeds" and have high aspirations for success.

Though, this is all fine. I'm missing the real, and graver, problem. Here's a summary - which links to some of the Buddhist teachings I've picked up (one takeaway is that Buddhism is all about choices and actions.

Lately, I've been thinking and acting like this:

Desire -> Motivation -> Choice -> Action -> Outcome: "I want W and I am motivated to do something about it, I will choose to do Y with result Z"

I'm missing something important here:

What's right -> Motivation -> Choice -> Action -> Outcome: "I know what's right is X, so I am motivated to do it. I will choose to do it, recognizing what the outcomes will be"

I've been developing the incorrect though process and have been deviating because of temptation. I recognize this now. Unfortunately, this is the easy part. The hard part is, actually doing it (and as a Buddhist might add, detaching myself from desire).

All in all, a good trip.

Patriots will weep

As a young boy, I was filled with hope for American republican democracy. I traveled to foreign countries and saw the gentleness of our people compared with the weight of king-like corruption and the contrast between citizens who littered shamelessly and those who swept the streets their friends and family walked on. Even the air smelled different.

All this was indicative, at least to my 6 year old self, that there was something special about our country and our system of government. Reasonable men with reasonable requests were able to literally make their neighborhoods a better place. Discussions were had intensely, but at the end of it all we were all on the same team. America and her interests were affixed permanently to our intent.

Somewhere along the way, though, we forgot about the roots of our republic. It seems like it became about greed and utility maximization, instead of principle. And, there was nobody left to contain the tyranny of the tyrants or of the citizenry. Our democracy was defenseless from our ugliest urges.

This debt crisis reveals the aforementioned ugly side. How have we forgotten what we are fighting for. For a long time, I think, people prioritized family, duty, God and community before themselves. Now, it seems the opposite and it's tearing away the strength we have from hanging together.

I don't pray about many things, but I'll probably pray that our leaders lay aside malice and guile to figure this out. Not only because a Federal default could have immediate and devastating consequences, but also because it would cast a modicum of doubt on the reputation of freedom and self-governance. It would question that our way of life is the right way of life. Policy wise, the debt crisis is probably much less consequential than other matters throughout history and future debates on gravely important issues.

But this issue is a small but poignant verdict on the stability of our republican democracy, which is affective of our governments foundation even if it is not consequential. In my opinion, because the solution is clear - the deals are just about the mix of policy solutions - this is not only a "debt crisis" but a "democracy crisis", of sorts (naturally this is sensationalized...that's what the situation has been called, though).

If a deal doesn't get done, patriots will weep. And I will be one of them. And as we clear our eyes, we'll see the path ahead from the light of the sun rising over our country's eastern shore. And those that wept will pick up the pieces anyhow.

Choices

I just can't do it.

Looking back at choices I've made, I go back and wonder whether I'm foolish or whether my hope and optimism in others will lead to being eaten up by the sharks in the world. There are many instances, I think, which shake out into the following decision framework:

Choice 1: Hold steadfastly to principle

Choice 2: Be aggressive and take what you want

And those are often in conflict - and it's hard. It's incredibly hard to say no to power and pleasure. It takes an incredibly high amount of

Eff this. I'm not beating around the bush with this.

I'm so torn between adhering to the values and princples that I was taught about how a gentleman treats a woman and what it sort of takes to "make progress" so to speak. If you're aggressive you win. If you do what you think is right, i.e. show respect, you end up sleeping on the couch. It's effing terrible.

I don't want to live in a world where one has to out-aggress others to win. I don't want to be the type of person which uses tactics and strategies to get someone to like you. I want to live in a world where people are honest, genuine and can be themselves in social situations and be accepted for it.

I'm out of air in my lungs for game. I'm so disillusioned by meeting opportunistic people in public. I can't be like this forever - what does it say for our species' future if we live out a scenario where the more you take, the more you get. Why doesn't sacrifice happen?

And as pissed as I am for not being taller, for being "old school", for being disgusted with the twenty-something "scene". I just want to understand why. Why is selfishness a pre-requisite for getting what you want?

It takes someone special to change the rules of the game or play by the spirit of the rules and "win" whatever the game is, I think.

At the same time, i'll never acquiesce to compromised principle. I'll never be a jack-ass. It's not the world that I would want to live in and change starts at home. I need to stop pretending I'm something that I'm not. It's time to really choose the man I want to be.

It's time to get back to basics, suck it up for the consequences and live the life I've dreamed of anyway. I'm gonna find my wife. I'm gonna do everything else I talked about doing. I'm gonna do it the right way, even if it takes more work and I'm freaking dog-tired every day for the rest of my life. That's how my family and friends raised me. But, this is going to be so hard.

The evolution of human interaction

Pretentious title aside, I was working on some cool brainstorming the other day. Basically, I'm on this quest to understand what it takes to form effective teams. And by that I mean real teams not collections of individuals in a group setting.

So, I tried to chart out the evolution of how humans have socialized in the history of the world...in hopes that it sheds light on how we might continue to evolve and what holds us back from really "teaming".

Here are the steps:

Conquering the state of nature - first, we had to establish ourselves as a species...this is like the pre-evolution

Then, the sanctity of the individual was solidified - think Magna Carta, etc. Individual rights were born.

Then there was a flourishing of individual rights on grounds of race, religion, etc. At the same time we began to form partnerships and really cement the institution of marriage. Which brings us to today.

There's going to be a Big Shift in how we interact, it's already started, really. We have to form teams to figure out the difficult problems we are faced with. We're fooling ourselves if we think we can do it without teams of everyone pulling together. We can't.

But, it's also not good enough if the team-mentality doesn't captivate our species. We have too many problems to play in small arenas. We have to scale our teams. But how will we do it?

Will we create networks? Will we create really, really big teams? Will we create an army of small teams and get the individual teams to form teams? I haven't quite gotten to a good level of analysis yet. But, I'm thinking about it.

We have to crack the code on teams. We have to figure it out. Otherwise, I fear our most pressing problems will become irreversibly complex and damning. That would be awful.

Hubris / Speedometers

One of the most difficult decisions I make on a daily basis is a simple one.

I'm in my car, a Red 2001 Chevrolet Cavalier (with 162k miles, no less). I'm driving...somewhere...it doesn't matter where. The weather doesn't matter, nor does the freeway I am driving on. I am not late.

Do I speed? If so, do I travel 4 over? 5 over? 15 over? Does the degree of the law-breaking even matter?

Now, I could probably think about the morality of the speeding itself (which raises interesting legal and moral questions - there was an Org Studies student this year who actually wrote a thesis about the spirit and letter of the law...pretty cool).

But whether speeding is "right" or "wrong" is not what I find to be gripping about this particular instance. I care about what it means, and what the decision is emblematic of. It's a subtle, but telling meter of hubris.

Hubris is pretty destructive, in teams, organizations institutions and societies, I think. It leads to crazy behavior with devastating results. (Jim Collins gives an apt description of this in his book: How the Mighty Fall: And Why Some Companies Never Give In. It's a good read).

If I'm speeding, it suggests that I think I'm above the law, because I know speeding is illegal, I know I'm doing it, but I do it anyway. It's like...eff you traffic laws, Ima do what I want because I don't answer to you, Elmo. If you believe that hubris is fungible to other aspects of life - i.e. if you have hubris when driving you'll have hubris when making other, more consequential decisions - that's really scary. It means you're greedy, arrogant and probably selfish. Maybe it means you're addicted to power.

It's terrifying because as power corrupts it means your hubris condemns you to moral insufficiency. In turn, that moral insufficiency causes you to harm others...potentially in terrible ways.

Because of all this, I've been paying closer attention to my speedometer lately. And I'm still speeding, albeit less. I hope I can control it. If I can't, it might mean hubris will consume me one day. I don't want that. I don't want that at all.

It's like in Spiderman: with great power comes great responsibility.

-nt

PS: this probably applies to texting, too.

First born.

You will be my greatest project,
Our lives' seminal work.

From tears into uncertainty, continuing to apprehension and exploration.  Next courage, honesty then humility until you have a project of your own.

The toybox is empty.  No bottles are at the ready.  But a lifetime of protection, love and wonderment are already in plentiful supply.

All potential energy, though.

When your birthday comes, you'll be ready, and so will I.

I think I'm ready to be a man, now. I don't know if others men have these coalescing moments where they realize that they have to grow up, or that they want to. I don't even know what these moments have been or what they can be.

I was coming to terms with my own mortality. I was thinking about the mark that I want to leave on the world and what I want to accomplish professionally. I was thinking about how much I love the wife and kids I haven't met yet.

There are all these things which brew in a guy's head and all of a sudden you realize your mindset has changed. Mine did mindset finished it's turn around, this week. I gotta get after it.