I don’t think I’ve ever been terribly confident, not even
when I was too little to understand what confidence was. I have a hard time
believing that I’m a talented or valuable person…I even struggle taking a
simple compliment. I’ve struggled with big things and small things just like
everyone else and have been afraid of the responsibility I’ve been given and the
pressure I’ve been put under, quite often. I’m afraid of rejection, loneliness,
and letting others down. I’ve lived with irrational guilt that I can hardly
bear. It’s not useful to really dwell on this or go into detail on any of this.
The point is, I’ve had a lot of growing up to do, quickly, over the course of
my life. It’s been very hard.
This year has been particularly trying. I’ve made mistakes
and I’ve been obsessedly reflecting on my identify, my aspirations, and my
emotional health. I’ve prayed (which is notable because I’ve avoided prayer
since I was 13 years old). Correction, I’ve had
to pray. At the beginning of the year, I think I felt the collective girth
of all the struggles in my life weighing on my slim-fit frame. It was bearable,
at best.
I’ve also realized, however, that I’m blessed with friends
and family and at a few other blessings –health, mental faculties, and passion.
I’m really, really, lucky. For these things I am grateful.
This combination of struggle and reflection has taught me a
lot about being a friend, son, brother, colleague, neighbor and citizen, and
one day husband and father (hopefully). I hear there comes a point in every man’s
life that this happens – it’s a point where you give up childish things, put
impossibility aside and do what you were meant to do. I’ve been afraid of this
because like many, I’m not afraid of inadequacy but of being powerful beyond belief.
I guess I write this all to say that I’m not afraid anymore.
I’m ready. I believe.
